Avoidance Techniques
by An Author's Pen
Summary: Section two agents will do /anything/ to get out of an appointment with a psychiatrist. Various drabbles and ficlets.
1. Personal Space

Avoidance Techniques

Section two agents will do _anything_ to get out of an appointment with a psychiatrist.

* * *

The man entered the room cautiously, a hunted look in his eye. He spotted the psychiatrist, who was rising from her desk, and froze.

"Hello Mr. Kuryakin ," she began. "Would you like―"

"I would not like to sit down, I would not like a drink, and I _would_ like you to remain ten feet away at all times," the agent snapped.

The psychiatrist frowned. "I'd like to respect your wishes, Mr. Kuryakin , but the room is only nine feet across!"

The Russian smiled. "I know," he said smugly, backing up one step out the door.


	2. Dinner Date

Avoidance Techniques

Section two agents will do _anything_ to get out of an appointment with a psychiatrist.

* * *

"Ah, Mr. Solo!" exclaimed the psychiatrist.

"Hello," Napoleon greeted. "I'm, er, terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I can't make this appointment."

"Mr. Solo, I'm afraid it's on Mr. Waverly's orders."

"But I promised Miss. Reyes a date tonight," Napoleon coaxed. "And you wouldn't have me disappoint a lady?"

Miss. Reyes poked her head around the door way. "Oh could you please let him off for the night? Only the reservations were terribly tricky to get . . ."

She eyed him pleadingly.

"I- _well_" stammered the psychiatrist. "Oh very well. But only this once!"

As the door closed he murmured, "Ah, to be young again."

"And stupid," Laura Reyes remarked, taking Napoleons' proffered arm.


	3. Involuntary Muscle Spasms

Avoidance Techniques

Section two agents will do _anything_ to get out of an appointment with a psychiatrist.

* * *

"I do not think this is a good idea," Illya stated.

"Mr. Kuryakin, I assure you that as an agent the importance of your mental health is paramount," the psychiatrist said.

"I have warned you," the agent said ominously.

Moving closer, the psychiatrist continued, "Now ―"

Then he let out a quiet gasp and sank to the floor. Illya eyed the prone body, then stared at his fist in mild disbelief, then shrugged.

"I have a diagnosed phobia of psychiatrists," he explained to the security camera.


	4. Work Relationship

Avoidance Techniques

Section two agents will do _anything_ to get out of an appointment with a psychiatrist.

* * *

Napoleon's appreciative gaze took in his psychiatrist's sleek knot of hair and defined cheekbones. She observed him from behind her note pad. He smiled mischievously and she hurriedly flipped a page.

"Mr. Solo―"

"Yes?"

He leaned forward attentively in his seat.

The woman paused a moment, then said, "It occurs to me that the atmosphere of U.N.C.L.E headquarters is too stifling for an agent to unwind. It stands as a reminder you are on the job. Perhaps we could continue this ― elsewhere."

"That's a lovely idea," Napoleon said, standing. "I know _just_ the place."


	5. An Apple A Day

Avoidance Techniques

Section two agents will do _anything_ to get out of an appointment with a psychiatrist.

* * *

The psychiatrist watched Illya Kuryakin in blank bemusement. He had come into the room with both hands behind his back, which had worried her at first. Then he had revealed the object in his hands to be, of all things, an apple, which he brandished at her in a vaguely threatening way as he approached.

He then placed the apple on the small table that served to separate the patient and therapist. "This," Illya said slowly, "is an apple."

He retreated hastily into the hall. "So keep away."

The psychiatrist sighed and noted down, "Tenuous understanding of common American phrases."


	6. Friendly Drinks

Avoidance Techniques

Section two agents will do _anything_ to get out of an appointment with a psychiatrist.

* * *

"Have a drink, Napoleon," the psychiatrist offered jovially. He set out two glasses and made to pour, but was stopped by Napoleon's hand.

"Habit, I'm afraid," the agent said apologetically.

The psychiatrist leaned forward with interest. "Even safe in headquarters, you fear poisoning?" he asked intently.

"You'd be surprised," said Napoleon gravely. "No matter how secure the place, someone can _always_ drug your drink,"

He watched the psychiatrist raise his glass and take a large gulp of liquid. "You would have done well to remember that," the agent added, as the man's eyes widened and he toppled to the floor.


	7. Unstable Chemical Reactions

Avoidance Techniques

Section two agents will do _anything_ to get out of an appointment with a psychiatrist.

* * *

"What surprises me," one of the section three agents remarked as the alarms wound down and people went back to their business, "was how that secret mixture got out of the reinforced glass jar and managed to spill right into the perfect chemicals to cause a gigantic explosion!"

His friend shook his head. "It's a real mystery. What do you think happened, Illya?"

The blond looked up. "I would not like to say," he responded truthfully.

"Hey, didn't you have a psychiatric appointment today?"

"Not _anymore_," Illya said simply, and upon seeing his expression the other agents carefully backed away.


End file.
